We are constantly watching our actions. The words we say. The text we send. The emotions that we make. Sometimes we do it unknowingly. And then when trying to explain it to someone, then we finally see how much its building up. We see all the emotions and the fears and the insanity. We see the hard times and the pressures and the obstacles. We see how they intertwine themselves within our very bodies. And we try so hard that it seems like we are getting no where because someone out there keeps telling us to try. To try and make it through. So heres to what I am trying.
Im trying to be the best possible RA that my residents ask for without breaking any boundaries. I’m trying to not be involved so much. Im trying to not help so much when people dont want it. Im trying to be happy while making other people happy. Im trying to figure out my life and where it will go in 69 days. Im trying to figure out who my real friends are. Im trying to figure out why life is so complicated.
Im trying too hard to make these things work. Im triyng to be a friend and an AC/RA. Im trying to not be overbearing. Im trying to see things straight and Im trying to see things from your perspective. Im trying to tell people things. Im trying to be more open about my emotions. Im trying to be something that people want to see. I’m trying to be the golden child. Im trying desperately to keep my GPA up. Im trying to make things right and not let things go wrong. Im trying to get them to understand what position I am in. And Im trying to save her life.
Im trying to be safe and I’m trying to keep my distance. Im trying for the life of me to not worry so worry so much and to not stress so much. Im trying to learn how to have fun and how not to jump when someone touches me. I’m trying to control my fears and irrational concerns. Im trying to maintain a healthy relationship. Im trying to keep my job and Im trying to make you keep yours and hers and his. Im trying more than ever to not be involved and Im trying not to be put into a position that I dont need to be in.
Im trying not to be lactose intolerant but I really believe I am. Im trying to figure out whats wrong with my heart or my rib cage or lets just say my torso area. Im trying to live through the pain and the grumbling stomach. Im trying to think about the positives and none of the negatives. Im trying to sleep enough hours so my body can function. Im trying more than you know to get through the rest of this year.
Im trying to be the girl you want me to be. Im trying to be the friend you want me to be. Im trying to be the RA you want me to be. Im trying to be the daughter you want me to be and the sister you want me to be. But Im also trying to live my own life. And Im trying to be happy. Im trying pay off my bills and not think about money. Im trying not to overeact. Im trying to handle all of these things. Im trying not to look like a crazy ass person.
In the end, Im trying too hard. And I cant multitask all of these things because they are intertwining.
This isn’t supposed to be happening.