Its been a lifetime

I had a dream today. SO livid. So real. So……intense. I can’t explain it. I woke up, not feeling relieved that it was over. It was strange. It was a nightmare that became a nightmare as soon as I woke up. Ive never felt as stressed as I do now. The world is literally crushing me. And as cliche as it sounds, I feel like Im having a mid life crisis. And I’m drowning. I’m seeing all the successes around me and I am making no progress in my future. I have no idea whats happening after I get out. I was excited about graduating. About going somewhere in life and right, I am at a full blown stop. 

Yes. Im passing my class. Im graduating with honors. I love my job. I love my friends. My family. And Im trying so hard to figure out my life. To find the passion and motivation. Im trying to see what my future has in store for me and all I see is blinding light. Like headlights on a highway. And I can’t see anything. Thats what scares me the most. Ive never been rejected from my first plan like I was with grad school. And I couldn’t tell you why I didn’t get into a single grad school. Not many people know….actually know one knows how important that part of my life that had on my future. That was my future. That was my dream. I was off to somewhere bigger. Greater. More amazing. Not getting in…..crushed me. It changed everything. 

And the more I type. The more I think about it. The more pressure I feel about all of it. Its literally suffocating. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I had a plan. I wish I didn’t have to use my back up plans. And Im trying to stay positive. Im trying to see the bright side to this. The silver lining. The colors in this black and white situation. And all of these black and white problems. They are coming from left and right. From up and down and side to side. 


And I can’t talk to a  single person about it. 


…..damn it. 


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