I haven’t always been

I haven’t always been one for words. Ya know, the ones with the deep meanings. The spell checks. The grammatically correct ones. That hasn’t really been my kind of taste of language. Im more of a spur of the moment kind of girl when it comes to talking and writing. Sometimes I don’t really think before I talk. I just….blurt things out I suppose. That’s not how I choose the rest of my life decisions though. In most cases, its always think think think. Think about whats going to happen. Think about the future. And my consequences. And how every. single. little. detail. needs to be planned out. Like I said, I haven’t always been one for words. Ive always been the one for actions. 

I need to see something in action. Im a visual kind of learner. I like to see progress. Going with the flow sometimes helps as long as I see something that is changing. Changing for the better. When things start to turn down hill, its really just going down hill on a roller coaster. Until you hit the upside down and then you just hurl your guts out. I mean, thats really my life. I try and try to see the positive things in life. So sometimes it seems like I’m a bit of a downer. But thats only me releasing it from my body. Its me getting rid of it from my mind. Away from my thoughts. After that, its gone. I recently started working on this. Telling people how I feel. Letting them know my thoughts. Being one with in “in crowd” as some would call it. Im not entirely sure how its worked out though. 

Ya know, I always used to search for love. Fall in love to only let them fall in love with me. Ive never really given the thought of just waiting because as mentioned above, Im not the one for waiting. But after everything in the year 2013, I thought Id change that. So I waited. I waited for Mr. Right to come along. I decided to not let my words do all the talking. I decided to wait and see what would happen. So I fell head over heels. Not saying a single word. Until one day, they said it back. It wasn’t forced. It wasn’t guided by a tour guide. It just…..happened. To try new things. To see it from a new perspective. Thought once or twice about how it could work out but I really shoved those thoughts back into my mind. Of course we didn’t start dating. You always have to be friends first with the people you may eventually end up dating….unless its a drunk date night….then I guess thats totally acceptable? 

So the words continued to flow. The thoughts were more open. My eyes became adjusted. And it felt normal. It felt right. But then I started using words. Words. Words. and more Words. And I knew I wasn’t one for words. But I still continued to use them. Because sometimes silence is okay to have. Sometimes its okay to just live in the now and not worry about the future and remember the past. Sometimes its just okay to be one with what is happening. And for some odd reason, I wasn’t thinking straight. And now of course, this one person….who knows literally every crevice of my mind. Every secret. Every thought. They’re a million miles away. Far away. Running in the exact opposite direction. All because of some words. Questions. Concerns. 

And then I thought to myself….my biggest flaw is my worries, my concerns, my need for organization and action….but then I realized my biggest triumph was becoming who I am and accepting every single flaw. Every single perfect imperfection. Every tear. Every memory. Every disaster. Every laugh and smile. And that brings me to admire myself. And admire you. Admire you for taking the decision to wait. To wait and see. To see what happens. To go with the flow. To allow me to test my patience. And even though it might be slipping away…ever so slowly….its okay because life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.

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