Staring through the lenses of these scratched fake glasses. Cause it was confusing and it was abused ink. Winning to amuse me and Im beginning to sleep. Friends with the monsters under my bed. Listening to the voices inside my head. And the clue to the puzzle piece is slowly coming together again but its not that hard to figure it out. And this year, my last year….I think Ive made more enemies that Ive ever had. And Im starting to see what my mom once told me a couple months back. That Ive changed. I still don’t believe the accusation of not caring about my family but I do believe I have changed. And maybe not for the better right now.
People make me more angry, more often than now. Ive started using more profanity than I really want too. I drive like a mad wo-man. And I don’t really like taking crap from other people. Right now, Im not sure Im happy with the person that I have become. Im not sure I want this. And I wish I could back to the start of this year. I might have done a few things differently. I might have taken more chances. I might have taken more shots. And no I don’t regret whats happened right here and now but going back, I would do things differently. Ive been told that I need to stay away from people. And Ive noticed that some people are just avoiding me at all cost. And I knew taking this job, it would cause me to be the most hated person in this building but I never really believed it til now.
So the words no longer flow? And its coming to a dead halt if not regressing back into strangers. And the people who used to read this no longer do. And its nine past due and I can’t even fathom how I want to talk about this. Because recently Ive been writing more blogs. Im starting to see a pattern. A slim startling pattern. Like checkers on the wrong colored box. And the best chess piece that is no longer there. And I find myself wanting to go home more and more because I can’t stand the idea of being here. Because Im no longer certain on how people will act. And the records on the wall. And the cups on the fridge and the trash in the trash. Because I’m no longer okay with pretending. And only pretending with these fake glasses on my head.
So three good things about my day and we can call it a day:
1) I finally received my NRHH Graduation Chord.
2) I got to hang out with friends, placing camera traps to catch big deer in action.
3) Our program was successful and we got Cookout afterwards.
And I want to sound like the guy at the beginning of “Circle of Life” or maybe even “Tarzan” as he is screaming in the jungle. Because it really is just a circle of life. And we go in circles. Thats how I see it. And today I claimed that God was not showing me signs but then I realized that he is.
I need the arms that used to hug me…..not so much the ones that are pushing me so far away. Its the circle of life…..the circle of life. Arms make a circle too. Circles make hugs.