not for long, not for long.

My hair is like a lions mane. Wild and free. Its falling below the shoulders with a curl in all the ends. I’m not too bothered by it right now. Maybe Im starting to become a girly girl? Wouldn’t that be something? Have you ever watched a movie and then said to yourself…..man, I kinda wanna be like that. Thats how I fell after every movie. For example, the karate kid….who wouldn’t want to be able to so something like the swan? And now Im watching softball and wish I had stuck with it. Sometimes we go through situations and life and sometimes we wish we had stuck with it. I can only imagine what it would have been like if I had stayed in ROTC. I wouldn’t be thinking about going off to a summer camp in 1 month….I would be joining the military and wearing a uniform and serving my country. Sometimes I wonder if I had stuck with basketball….would I be shooting threes for the NCSU Women’s Basketball team?

 

Thing is, we never know whats going to happen when we start something new. It could turn out amazing and everything is perfect. It could turn out for the worse with nothing left to give. And sometimes I wonder what the plan is…what path am I on and where am I supposed to be heading. I think its the same way for a lot of people I know. Our first breathe, our first grasp, our first smile…..we don’t know where it will lead but we and I are hoping it leads to something beautiful and amazing. And whether it seems like we are being dragged down and ripped apart at the heart, things are gonna be okay. Because thats what makes us stronger. Trying to see it from another persons perspective. 

The bars. One piece suits. The food is bad. The walls are grey and the room is small. People in here are scary. Because freedom was worth everything. The sunshine was beautiful with the wind on the face and the hair blowing in the wind. 

With the isolation, everything seemed quiet. It felt right. The pain went away. And I’ve moved far. And Im so dizzy and I don’t know what hit me. And the people here are mean. Am I out of my mind?

The bones aren’t straight. The pain isn’t going away. So where do we go from here? And Im scared. Because none of the words are my thoughts and none of the thoughts are my words. 

 

And you were my go to. My release. My ears and shoulder. And now those last three paragraphs you will never know what they are about. Because Ive been trying to be normal and Ive been trying to step back. And everyday its easier and everyday its harder because its closer to the end of the year. 

 

I won’t need to hold it back anymore. 

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