A jumble of thoughts.

 

College is coming to a close and things are starting to feel real. Things are starting to get scary and big and all of a sudden crazy. Attempting to find a permanent job after my internship. Then finding an apartment just so I can retake my GRE and reapply to grad school and go through the entire process all over again. Things are starting to frustrate me more and more and things are starting to worry me more and more.

Im used to having a plan and being organized but sometimes thats not possible. Sometimes we have to flow with the flow and have our plans interrupted because thats apart of our daily lives. I believe I only get frustrated when my plans are interrupted or changed in someway. Recently, I’ve been more frustrated and stressed than I have ever been. Im not showing it though. Im trucking through this thing called school. Im trying to remain calm. Im trying to be excited about graduating. Thing is, thats not all it is though. There are certain areas in my life that have vanished. There are certain plans that just went poof. There are certain issues going on in my own personal life that have popped out of the blue that are changing everything.

And Im starting to see things from a different perspective but only mine is trying to be the one up front. And although Im starting to forgive others, Im starting to forgive myself only to be frustrated even more because nothing is changing. Things are staying the same. Things are staying the same. And I thought it would be easy to let go and not care anymore and that it would be easy to move on. But its not so easy. Things aren’t as easy to move past. After giving up a previous relationship. After feeding into the doubts and the accusations, I gave up on what I had to try something new. And that was a good thing right? We all should try new things but then again, why fix something that isn’t broken. But how do we know it was broken? How do we know if it’ll fix itself if we leave it? Thing is, we just don’t. We have no idea where the path will take us and what it will lead too.

My thoughts have changed. My attitude has changed. My mind has changed. My feelings have changed. And I want to wipe it clear. Wipe it clean because they are all colliding once again with each other. They are all combining with each other and they are all saying “This is what you want” and there are exact opposites of each other.

I just wish the truth would be revealed. I wish the people that are ignoring me would stop or make up their mind as to what they want to do with me. I wish they would stick with their plans that they made and not change them. And I wish I knew why things were so different and how they changed. This year has been a roller coaster of emotions. This job has been a roller coaster of events. School has been a roller coaster of everything. So tell me to stop trying or to keep trying. Tell me what I should do and where I should go next. Or maybe Ill decide that for myself. But right now, the decision I feel that I will make will feel so hard to do but then again, it’ll be the right thing to do. Because I feel this is what the people around me want. This is what they are saying without even saying it. This is where they take a stand without saying anything. Then again, I wish people would speak their mind. Speak the honest truth. These are my worst distractions.

 

Kisses don’t tell you anything. Its all in your heart. Its all in your head.

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