Animal Crackers in my Soup

 

Walking in these shoes. These bright orange shoes. Lightly faded from the first time I wore them at Dicks Sporting Goods. I used to love these shoes. They stood out. They granted compliments. They were unique. But eventually I ended up hating those shoes. The only one to wear them, it was like having a target on my head. It’s more complicated than I can explain. But these shoes. They’ve brought me down roads. Cracked Roads. Paved Roads. Dirt Roads. They are worn and torn. 

 

Kayak #5.  Hold your breathe. I have fell for you over and over again. It seems your impossible to find. This is not what was intended. I swore to you that we could make it. You thought I was stronger but I think I may have failed. Thing is, I have always loved you from the start. I swear its true. I couldn’t tell you where it all went. And I don’t know if its starting to begin again. Like an octopus, your camouflaging your thoughts. Your ideas. Your feelings. It can’t be that impossible to find. We are becoming a bad reputation. Like cat videos on the internet or Geico Car Insurance becoming so easy a caveman could do it. Whats happening with this roll tide. The TEN I SEE is a lot farther away. 

Tom Riddle.  I felt like a blind girl trying to make a start. Ive seen the sun come up a mile from the ground. Things seem to have changed but I wish they had stayed the same. Now I know nothing could have gone wrong. We could have faced our fears. Never mind all the times I yelled at you. Now it seems like we loved watching the grass grow. We just needed to remember where we are from. We kept our heads clear and we faced our fears. Where I stood, I never really had the chance to just be the walls. Without the paint. Attempting this “no feelings” thing is more complicated than trying to at one point in time “hide them”. 

Red Panda. You remind me of the letters in an alphabet soup. Rearranging themselves to say the right things at exactly the right time. We won’t shed any tears. We stand by each other. As the miles go further apart and what seems like every week you’re on a plan to somewhere new, I know we will stay connected. You’re stronger than you think. As strong as an African Elephant escaping a herd of cheetahs. Stronger than a cactus in the middle of a desert. The light seen from a lighthouse by a lost captain at sea. Connecting the stars to make the Little Dipper in the sky, you will make yourself a life people will be jealous of and you’ll be happier than a pig in a pool of mud on a hot humid day in some lone town in Texas. Just remember you are loved. 

Red Pants in a starless night sky. Finding you. Telling you Ive set you apart. Tell me your secrets. Ask me your questions. Wait. Lets go back to the start. Setting this silence apart. No one said it was easy. It was a shame on the way we parted. Life wasn’t supposed to be hard. I know that. There are unanswered questions. Nickelback songs only taking you back. Speak your mind. Speak your thoughts. Remember your dreams? The ones that ended up with tears and doors to be banged on. Maybe they weren’t false impressions when you had them. But as a promise was made a long time ago, you have no worries on that end. Things are going to change for you next year. You will have a new life. I saw a sign and it opened up my eyes. Things do get better. 

2 Owls in the Science Museum. Hope all is well with you two after the farewells after graduation. We stayed between the lines when we colored. Sometimes you may have wondered why you came. Sometimes you may have stared into the sky with doubts. Many notecards fell between the cracks and we are wondering where the careers of our diplomas will take us. We can do one of two things. Sit on the couch and think about our lives or we can stand up and figure this out. We can stay up all night. We can save lives. And you ask how do we do that. And I say one person at a time. I see the passion burning in your guys eyes. It burns bright and strong. 

 

I see these headlights on the highway. Whatever it is that you may need, I pray that I am. Looking into these questions, I can not help but understand as I stare up into the sky with this hot sum me breeze. Missing the fingertips on my bare skin. I cannot speak what I would like to say. There are not quite enough words to help you understand. To help me understand. Waiting for this awakening from the coma. I will never stop trying. I will never stop watching as they leave. I won’t stop losing my breathe when you look back at me. I won’t stop opening more doors. I will never get used to this. Im writing this to you. Im writing this to me. Keep looking the other way. This safety net thats underneath us. These blisters on our hands. 

She says “How did I get here. Im not who I once was. Crippled by the fear that I have fallen too far to love.” We know who we are. You are more than the choice that you’ve made. You are more than the mistakes last summer made. You have been remade. We are given new life. We can find all the answers. You are more than the problems you have created. We can walk this fine line. We can be remade. This is not about what we have done but what can be done. Not about where you have been, where your brokenness has brought you.

Octopus ‘s hiding in the caves only to be seen when the ink fades. Lightning beams striking down old oak trees……only to be reborn again by the seeds that litter the forest floor. Flashbacks come back but to be replaced by flashes of cameras on good memories. 

 

Time is slowing down. Feeling this grace, it feels like rain. 

 

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