“I’m a grenade and at some point I’m going to blow up and I would like to minimize the casualties, okay?”
This is what Hazel Grace said in “The Fault in Our Stars” and I think she’s right. With that said, my hardest emotion to contain is love. Those small four letters are something so much bigger than we can comprehend. So let me ask you this. DO YOU know what love is? Can you define it for me? Can you tell me what it feels like? Can you show me a prime example of love? No. Because there is none. It is different for everyone. Love has been very hard for me to contain because in reality, I don’t really know if thats what Im feeling. There are many different versions of love. There is friendship love and significant other love. There is family love and the love you have for your pets.
I say I love you to my family every time I hang up the phone. I even say I love you to some of my closest friends when we hang up. And I know I love them but the thing is with significant other love. I have a hard time defining it. Because I once was in love and Ive felt it before. Want to know how…..because when you leave that person and your heart just explodes like a grenade, then you know. I was in a position where I knew I wanted to get married and settle down. I was down that road. In high school, I thought I knew what love was. I think a lot of people think they know what love is. But in reality, I don’t think anyone really really know what love is. Unless your that 80 year old couple that sits on the bench in the park. Thats true love. TO be with someone for that long. Thats truly amazing.
Dating a guy, I can never tell what my heart is telling me. I think its too scared to love anymore. Because Ive been through the break ups. The tough ones and the easy ones. I’ve been through being cheated on and called a horrible person. Ive been through all of that. And its hard…..to get back into the game once you’ve been casted out. I still have more than enough love in my heart for a lot of people but I really want my significant other love to be just for one person. I want to find that right person. The person who can make me smile when Im sad. The person who can make me laugh so hard I pee my pants. The person who will be there for me every step of the way. And maybe its right in front of my face. Maybe it smacked me in the back of the head already. But its complicated.
So love. Yes. That little cliche word we must word vomit on our loved ones ever so often. That one word is what makes me go crazy. Crazy in the head. Crazy in the heart. Crazy in the hormones. I can’t contain it. I can’t contain what may or may not be there. Love is a battlefield.