Me and myself. Comparing myself to myself. Thats really what I need to do. In real life, I have a compassion to help others. I have a driving need to make others happy. I have compassion and hope and faith for the weak. For the poor. For the people who need it. My life is fulfilled when I help those in need. This is who I am in real life. I strive for perfection. I strive to meet the expectations of others and I strive to exceed those expectations. I strive to be the best that I can be and I strive to be more than perfect. And I know…..I so so so know that I can nowhere exceed these expectations. I know this all too well.
And then my other self…..it tells me that I’m a failure. That I screwed up and that I messed up. Somewhere, somehow, things could be better. In my parents eyes, I feel as if Im a failure too. With no job to show for the degree that I finally sustained, I’m a failure. Working at my old job….yet another failure. Living at home…..yet another failure.
I can’t even write this because it makes me so angry. That I strive and I succeed and its nowhere near seen.
This is a joke. And people wonder why I won’t let them in.