A fear in a fear. Its something I fear. I wish I could say but it changes day by day. Scared. To never be paired. To long for something right only to throw my line out and have no bite. Its a fear most people own, something like a debt or a loan.
I hate not knowing the unknown. A perfectionists. Type type type. Thats what it is. And thats what it will always be. Risk. Risk. Risk. And the factor goes up and the factor goes down. ON a roller coaster. up and down. Screaming. A emotional fear. A physical fear of death. The fear of not knowing what can happen. Happen. Happen. All over again. The smell. The touch. The sounds. The dark. It reenacts in my mind. Like a record player. A record player on the stand. In his room. Where he plays with a camera. And sings Marshall Mathers. He had a messed up life. IN the song with Rihanna. With the hand. The flames and the house burning to the ground. Cause we can never know.
Looking inside this tissue box. Can you see it? The white. The purity. The fluffiness of it all. Like a unicorn. That no one knows exist. It stands alone in the meadow. With glitter shining all around it. Because Narwhals are the unicorns of the sea and they do exist. Because we learn that there are so many unknown rarities in this world. Like getting married and staying married. Falling in love and staying in love. Finding a best friend and staying their best friend. Can it be true. That this all will end. But how do we know? There is a heaven. There is a God. There is sanity in people. And there is hope for the future.
And we look around. Around. Around and Circumnavigate the world. And hope to find a place of peace. A place of rest. A place where we can sit down and talk. Sit down and eat. And sleep. And eat. And have sex. And watch TV. And do all the great things that man kind has offered us to do. Like sky diving and cave diving and nose diving and skinny dipping. Cause we long for a love. We long for happiness. We long for the perfect job. For the money. For the love. For the sanity. For the happiness. And we want it. And we see it. And we long for it. And we reach for it. But we don’t know how. We don’t know the future. We only see the past and we stand in the present. Yes. That is right. We see the future. And how we reach for it. But how do we get there. That is my fear. Not knowing how to get where Im going. Not getting where I want to be. Fear of never being happy. Fear of being alone. Fear of death with no one caring about what happens next.
Because isn’t that everyones fear?