I suppose I haven’t been honest with you. With myself. With my friends. Its not even that. Its the fact that I don’t speak my mind. I don’t speak my worries. I don’t ease my stresses. Its like standing on a stage and waiting for something to happen. Waiting for something to change. Because you know deep down that something will change. Eventually. Hopefully. Prayingly. And as we walk through the masquerade, we wonder what will become of us. Are we Hell Bound? Or Heaven Bound? Or are we stuck in limbo hoping to press that Return Button at the Gates, only to be sent back to earth and to be living in another persons body. Your soul. Another body. One more chance to set things right. They say its what we make. Its up to fate. I want to save this life and we can’t escape what we have now. Can we be honest with each other?
1) On most days, my heart seems to have a mini episode. Not just normal episodes because that would sound like “thump, thump, thump”. That would sound like the sound of a beating heart. And thats not what mine sounds like. Everyday. At random times of the day. My heart explodes. As if being stabbed by a sharp object. And the inside of my rib cage will then scream. And maybe its not my heart. Maybe its something else. And Im scared to even say it. Because sometimes it happens on the other side of my rib cage. On the small part where the center of my body is. And could it be cancer. Lung cancer. In time, when I inhale and exhale only causing the pain to preside in my lungs and not really my heart. Or is it just my rib bones wanting to stretch but not getting the chance too. Because honestly, I have no idea at this point. And it scares me. Because I want to know. And I need to know. And I should be on my next ticket to the doctor office. But its like they don’t believe me. And they keep telling me all of these diagnosis that don’t make sense. And they keep telling me that it will go away….and then it only comes back. How do you handle having a mini heart attack? Is this what a broken heart feels like?
2) I have dreams of me dating other people when I know I would be happy with the guy that Im “dating” now. But what are my dreams telling me. That when I caress another mans face…that it could be okay? What do they mean? Because I love him. And he loves me. And thats all that matters. So why am I so scared to tell my friends that he is moving in with me. And I shouldn’t be afraid because its none of their business. And its about my happiness and not their love life. And Im ready to be married. And Im ready to have someone to hold and to cherish forever and ever. And I want to start a family. And be a soccer mom. And I want to join the PTSA. And live life to the fullest.
3) My family feels like a burning bridge. They should be known as the solid foundation in which I walk on. They are supposed to be strong. They are supposed to support. And they are supposed to love one another. But I don’t see that. I see hatred. And tears. And unhappiness. I see stress. I see drugs. And I see yelling. I see this bridge burning everyday. I see it collapsing underneath the daily struggles that my family goes through everyday. And I can’t help but wonder “How do I fix this?” because I don’t know if I can. And it makes me sad. And I want to cry. Because I love my family more than anything in the world. And I would give my life for every single one of them. They are my everything. But sometimes I want to run as far away as I can from them. Because sometimes they don’t support. And they don’t love. And they crumble without any intents of fixing themselves.
4) I fear I have anxiety. And ADHD. As well as depression. Because I feel sick every time I think about presenting. I feel the pressure closing in on me when I know something is important. And I can’t keep paying attention to something more than a couple minutes. My mind is a jig saw puzzle constantly trying to solve itself. Its a maze with my thoughts trying to reach an end point when there is none. And depression is what everyone has. Because everyone is sad once in awhile. Everyone has to cry every so once in awhile. And people sometimes have to be alone ever so often.
5) I am constantly on the struggle bus everyday. And I constantly try to compose myself to a point where I believe I am calm. And I am calm. Most of the time. But in this passing moment while I sit here and type this, my financial status is closing in zero dollars. My time is closing on No Social Life. And I don’t even know where to begin. Because I feel like Im on stepping stones. Avoiding the collapse into the water. Because sometimes I wish someone would throw at a helping hand and say “Yes, I will help you” because in reality, I don’t ask for help. I try to remain alone in my successes. And thats a flaw that I have. I don’t ask for help. And I don’t want to receive it. So when I do ask for help, it is often denied. Which causes my struggle bus to continue along the beaten path.
These are my secrets. But everyday I wake up with a smile on my face because I know deep down that God is with me. That my family is with me. And that my friends are with me. Deep down, I have a plan and I plan on making that plan work. And I have many open doors. And as each one closes, another one will open. As I wake up every morning, I know things will be okay. And that things happen for a reason. And that somewhere out there, someone is watching over me. So it may seem that Im depressed. Or down. Or all together crazy but Im not. Im working on things one day at a time. Reaching my goals, one day at a time. Working on life. One. Day. At. A. Time.