Secret Lives

change

Walking around the brand new town as if I have belonged here my whole life. Speed walking one way. Down the street. Around the corner. Buying groceries at the local Wal-Mart like its no biggie. Ever walked around as if the shoes you were walking weren’t your own. As if they came off the shelf from a Life Store and you decided to walk around for a day in someone else’s shoes like they were your own. For the past few days, that feeling has been sinking deep into my stomach. That feeling of thinking and feeling and wishing things were….normal. But this is the normal that I must situate myself too. 

Familiar house to my own 2 bedroom apartment. Prestigious University to a Rural High School. Money in my bank account to broke broke broke. Living with the rents to walking around to nearly my birthday suit. Things are different. I used to love seeing a difference. I loved changing my room around. Seeing a new perspective. But this is an entire new world. In the bottom of my stomach, I see failure. And I feel like these shoes are crushing all the egg shells that Im treading on. Everything changes but beauty remains. Something so tender I cant explain. Well I might be dreaming but until I awake, this dream might just last for more than forever. 

And people are looking at me for guidance while I casually look around for someone to give me some. And the familiar faces look at me and ask ” Whats wrong with you? Do something about it. What are you so worried about?” And I know it seems like these changes are minuscule and unimportant and that things are changing for the better but this is a new world too me. This is a new territory. This is a new life in which I still need to incorporate my old life into. 

Ive been there before. And you’ve been there before. And Akon cant make it all go away. Rihanna just breaks my heart. And Nickleback just needs to bring tissues everywhere with them. I recall listening to Creed at night in the hotel room. I recalled playing by the poolside with my siblings. Im falling and holding onto what I think is safe. I found the road to nowhere. Im down to one last breathe and with it let me say “Hold me now”. This is the perfect time to reflect on all of my mistakes and Ive found the road to my Grace. 

Im working. As a professional, I am committed to what I am doing. I am dedicated to helping those in need. I am motivated to make a difference. And these troubles will soon pass. These troubles will soon fade away. 

I miss my mom making funnies at Criminal Minds. I miss my twin asking me to take her places. I miss my dogs jumping all over the couches and sleeping against my chest. These things are what keeps me going. My family. Without them, I am nothing. 

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