Please stay….

Ive been listening to a song on repeat for the longest time yet I still don’t know the words. Im pretty sure its about a break up and thats why Im listening to it. And although me and my significant other haven’t broken up, it almost feels like we have.

The past few days have been lifting me to somewhere new. I have no voice and laryngitis has kicked in. Its downright horrible to not even be able to sing. I didn’t listen to the doctor though. I didn’t take that Mucinex stuff she told me to take. I didn’t need “vocal rest” when I had a swim meet to coach at. It only got worse and its getting pretty tiresome not being able to sleep because Im up coughing. ALL. THE. TIME. I coughed so much last night, I threw up….all over my bed…..was that too much information? I coughed so much, there was blood on my hand but that was really from my nose. It freaked me out. I really thought something was wrong and then I began to research coughing blood and it made it even worse. I officially diagnosed myself with lung cancer and then I freaked out some more. But it was from my nose. So Im all good now….except for still not having a voice and not being able to breath or sleep.

And growing up is hard. Its hard to deal with. You leave your family and we try to make new ones. I don’t even know what I want anymore. I don’t even know if I believe in love anymore. Isn’t that scary? I have become a more pessimistic person than I ever have before. I cant stop stressing out about the little things in life. I am trying to control things that are way out of my control. And I have no idea where Im headed in life. Im not content with anything. I haven’t slept very well at all. Please understand.

But no one on here even reads these blogs. Even though I have a whopping 40+ followers, it seems no one reads these. Is it bad to say that I want to join the military to get away from it all. Im sure that could almost make it worse.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what makes me happy. I wish I knew who I was.


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