Heartbreak. What everyone expects it to feel like. What everyone has no idea about. Dread. Despair. Unavoidable. Unexpected.
Im starting to hate everything. Everyone. Maybe its just this day. Just this week. Maybe its this whole month. Or maybe its been since my recent ex broke my heart into a million little damn pieces. Would I say 5 years? Yes. Id say five years total we had been dating. 5 long good and bad years. 5 years of waiting. 5 years of loving. 5 years of discussing our future. High school sweet hearts who kept coming back to each other.
I feel utterly useless. But I don’t know why. I have no reason to even do that. Because HE lost ME and not the other way around. HE gave up. HE didnt want long distance after things got more serious. HE decided enough was enough. You say “I love you”….well really? I can see it but somewhere deep down, I dont think thats true. Because when you love someone, you never give up on them. You cant get enough of them. You would communicate with them everyday. You would call. You would get your crap together because you know deep down that needs to be done to support a relationship and to support a family. You know you love someone when you would do anything for them and you know you love someone when you would do anything to make them smile and to make them proud.
But love is an evil thing.
It creeps up on you. It blinds you. It makes 6 weeks of dating look easy when 5 years was worth it? Love makes you wait. It allows you to miss opportunities you could have had elsewhere. It makes you avoid problems so you don’t have to deal with them. It makes you do tremendously stupid things. And sometimes it even stops you from pursuing your own dreams. And love conquers all and when I say that I mean it takes over your life and then suffocates you til you can no longer breathe. But it feels so good! Love is that warm fuzzy feeling. Its when you cant stop thinking about them in a healthy way. Its more than what people think it is. SO when every ounce of love starts turning into ounces of HATE, you know you really did love them. And you know that eventually your love for them will dissipate into what it was before you knew them.
I now know that I loved him more than anything else in this world. That I was willing to wait til the end of time to be with him. That no matter how stupid he was or careless he was, I was still going to love him. Is that healthy? OF COURSE NOT but that’s what love does. So when you ask the father for his daughters hand in marriage, you don’t get the answer “Yes you can” and then run away. You don’t make plans to spend forever and a day with her only to cut it short because you couldn’t hash it out. Because your version of “growing” became something you have always done which was nothing.
I recently told my best friend that everyday I didn’t get a call, my heart breaks a little less. But in reality, it breaks more every single day. Because I know with each day that passes that its just another day that it will never ever happen with him again. But the worst part of ALL of this is that he said he will want to get back together later. That he just needs time. That he needs to grow. That he is waiting. I dont know where the line is drawn when it comes to giving up or moving on. Because I haven’t been able to cry about him just yet. I haven’t been able to scream at the world about how utterly ANGRY I am at him. I haven’t had the courage to send him everything back with a letter that says “Screw you. Thanks.” Because I don’t have the courage to say ITS OVER. But in all honesty, that’s all I want. I want to move past it. I want to move on and smile again. I want to stop thinking about him all the time. I want to stop hearing my phone ring expecting it to be him. I don’t want to fill anything.
I want to throw his ring across the ocean. I want my readers to tell me that I’m overestimating everything. That I’m a whiny little baby. Because I don’t know what else to do.
Ive gone through 4 stages of heartbreak. And this blog makes me on stage 5. Im not looking forward to the next few stages though.
1) Denial (pretend it didnt happen)
2) Lying (Saying your over him)
3) Self-Pity (feeling sorry for yourself)
4) Victim Blaming (Blaming yourself)
5) Anger Stage (Blast everyone)
6) Depression Stage (Crying on everyone and everything including your dog)
7) Hopeless State Stage (Not caring anymore and hiding in your bed eating Ice Cream and watching Greys Anatomy)
8) Moving on stage (when you have finally move on, GOOD FOR YOU GIRL!)
Im such a hopeless romantic who wears my heart on my sleeve. I hate myself for that. But I love myself.