The letter I shouldn’t send but will

Dear Ex Future Husband,

I think of you everyday. Many things remind me of you. The smell of sunscreen. Taking naps on my futon. Running down the street. The  strike of the clock at 8:00pm where you would call me every single night. Those are just a few of the million things that remind me of you. I cant say I hate it. I cant say I love it. Country music brings everything back into place because country makes everyone think about love…..or drunkiness.

I first wanted to write you a letter.  A letter full of hate. Full of anger. Full of regret. I didn’t though because thats not what I see now. Thats not what I feel now. I haven’t talked to you in over 3 months. Seems like a short time when you date someone for 5 years on and off. Sometimes I still feel my racing heart. I remember when I fell in love with you for the first time. It was a hot summer day. We were both baking in the sun. Laying lazily on our kayaks. I had kayak 5. You had the blue one. Our hands drifted next to each other. Even if it was the slightest touch, I saw myself marrying you that day. Having kids. Growing old. Now I cant even remember the sound of your voice.

I wish you hadn’t of run away. Being over 1000 miles away is hard for anyone. I wish you would have waited just one more day because that one more day might have been different. I wish I hadn’t yelled at you so much to get a job. I was only trying to make you the best person you could be even though you were already being him. I wanted the sky for you. The world for you. I would have taken a bullet for you. Maybe even a grenade (Bruno Mars would agree). I wish you would have explained more. I wish you would have given me a warning before you ended it all. I wish you wouldn’t have told me that my father said yes to you when you asked for my hand in marriage. I wish things were like that day at the lake.

Ive come up with many solutions. Ways to make you jealous. Bubble over with hate. I thought about hooking up with someone you so much hate. I thought about doing Man Crush Mondays on Facebook but then realized that you would never check your Facebook. I thought about sending the ring you gave me back with no letter. But then I thought about this. The days you made me laugh. The days you listened to me cry to you over the phone about how much trouble my family was. The days you sat and endured the death stares from my family when we were going through those hard times. When you would offer me all the money in your bank account so I wouldn’t have to worry for another hour on how I didn’t have money for my bills. I started to remember how if I was mad, you would just look at me and not say anything because you knew thats what I needed. When you put your lip out just to make me smile. Even when we were long distance, you would know I was smiling over the phone. Even when I had to go, you would make me wait just a few more minutes just to tell me how much you really loved me.

And this would be the part where I would wish that you were never happy because Im no longer happy. This would be the part where Id get so frustrated at people laughing at me for looking at my other options because I know in reality that you were the one person I wanted to be with. But this is where the story twists. This is where I say I hope you find happiness. I sincerely hope you find the right girl that waits for you like I did. That she makes you laugh. That shell go running with you because I could never keep up with your pace. That same girl, I hope she gives you the kids you always wanted to spoil because mom would always be the bad guy. Deep down, I truly hope you find happiness and that she makes you as happy as I thought I once did with you. I hope you have peace. And I hope you have found love.

As bad as things may have ended, I thought we were perfect. I can now imagine the white picket fence family. It seems almost impossible that those days will ever happen now. You were the sun and the stars. I was your moon. The clouds have been out for awhile though. Soon though, the sun will shine again and I hope when that day comes, we can still manage to be friends. That we can manage to talk without hanging up on each other. Last but not least, just know that I will always love you. Forever and ever.




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