Turn around.

Ive seen the brighter side of life. And the not so brighter side of life. Ive seen life. Ive seen death. And everything in between. I have loved and I have been in love. Ive fallen in love and Ive tried falling out of love. We all want something beautiful. Man, I wish I was beautiful. Recently, Ive heard so many people tell me how Ive been. Tell me what I should do. Tell me what I shouldnt do. Tell me where all the beautiful colors are. And do you know what my favorite color is? And a student once told me they biggest fear was a colorless world. Where we all pray for a color blind world. Then we will never be lonely.

So when you look at me what, what do you see? We all have different reasons to live and I believe in me. I want to be someone to believe. I couldn’t honestly tell you where I will be in 10 years. 5 years. I couldn’t even tell you where I will be in 1 year. Ive spent the rest of my life trying to plan my life out. Planning every detail. Planned when he would ask my father. Planned on the ring that would soon rest on my finger. I planned my happy life with 3 kids. All of them who would play sports. Living happily ever after living contently in a house with a white picket fence. I planned it all. Id be a wildlife biologist. I’d work with elephants and giraffes and fall in love with nature. But today, I couldn’t tell you what my plan is. Surprisingly enough, I’m content with not knowing at this moment. Eventually, my life will spiral into panic mode and freak out but I guess that’s okay.

I fell in love with the most imperfect person in everyone else’s eyes but the most perfect person in my own eyes. Everything can change in just one phone call. Everything can change with every mile further apart. I’ve knocked on death’s door more than once. I’ve cried in my shower before. We have all been there. We all have made our mistakes. We all wish we were something more. I couldn’t tell you how many times Ive laid in bed at night wishing there was a special someone laying next to me. I could tell you about how I live paycheck to paycheck on a car that’s barely running. I could tell you the person I talk to the most is my precious dog who loves digging through the trash.

I no longer strive to have a job but to have a job that I love. I no longer search for my long lost soul mate. I fell into a sea of worries and stress and anxiety. I fell into the depths of everyone’s problems. Recently, I have come out of that. I have seen more than the negatives. I’ve regained consciousness and search for the silver lining. I embrace positivity even if you don’t see it.

I am content with being myself. I have no intent to forever please you. My friends and family is what’s most important. There’s every good reason for letting it go. Its starting to show. I wish people would be more understanding. More observant. More sincere. Not gimme this. Not gimme that. Try to give back once in awhile. It might shed some light for some people.


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