I’m not sure how I feel about you. I mean, you’ve done me wrong these past couple of years. You made me fall. Made me scrape up my arms and legs. Made me think my heart was broken forever. You’re something that people strive for their whole lives and you’re something that can cause the most pain to a single human being or to an entire world.
I thought I knew who you were. I thought it was the butterflies, the “I love yous” every day. I thought it was the constant worries, the feeling of guilt, the insecurities. But oh boy love, have you taught me some things.
I’ve learned that sometimes you can’t always think “do you deserve the person that’s sitting across from you” but does that person DESERVE you?! You’ve taught me that waiting a little bit longer may come to an advantage. You taught me that no matter how high I build my walls, someone will come and knock them down. You’ve taught me that maybe true love really does exist out there and that its not just some title and ring that everyone wants.
But you’ve also taught me things that no one should ever have to be taught. But maybe it wasnt you…maybe it was hate. You’ve taught me that physical abuse should not be accepted by anyone. That a person who hits another person or harms another person is just a coward. You taught me that after the first harmful thing….should really be the last. It taught me that sexual abuse was something that people shied away and tried to forget instead of confronting it. Hate told me that when that happens…..that I should feel guilty and not the other way around. You’ve taught me that wanting a relationship just because being alone is worse…is actually worse than being alone. You taught me that no matter how many times someone says they love you to the world and back…..that those same people can forget you and call you names the next day. So excuse me love…..for being a little scared of what you might be offering me or not offering me.
In elementary school…..love was all about not getting cooties. Dot. Dot. Not a lot. Now you got your cooties shot. In middle school….love was how cool you could fold your note and give to your date. In high school…..love was all about how people perceived you and how long you’ve been dating. In college….love became more real but sometimes it was confused with other versions of love. As a young adult…..the meaning of love has truly changed. Love is when you see yourself getting married and staying married and having a family. Love is feeling like this was meant to be and that you weren’t forced into a relationship that you weren’t ready for. Love became real when hearts started glowing. So are you trying to tell me this is what love is?
Love….I don’t use your name very often. The past few months it seems I wanted to give up on you all together. I mean……you really deceived me before. But you’re like a sour patch kid. Evil one minute. All nice the next. I built my walls twice as high this time. I locked my heart with three times as many chains. I don’t know if this is a war or a battle but I think this is big this time. Really big. Like dinosaur and the big bang big. Love….you’re seriously trying hard this time…like a cat trying to get out of water trying.
Will I actually get to see your true identity this time? Alright. Well grab your hiking boots and scale this massive wall. Take your pick and ax and chop away these chains. I hope in the end of all of this…the true you will win out. That I will wave my white flag in surrender. It’s too early to tell love. But whatever you’re doing….it’s working.