I remember when we first met. Senior year of high school. You were the new kid. Everyone hated you. Everyone loved you. You were so cocky but so self-confident. Nothing scared you. But that’s where you went wrong.
Every day you were an addiction to me. Talking to you allowed every vented angry rage session seem like a blissful beautiful afternoon in the park. Hours upon hours sitting in the car. Afternoon naps in the sunshine behind closed doors. You were a pill I couldn’t give back. You were a drink I wanted to toss back every single night. You were the light to my cigarette. You were the calm after the storm. God, being with you was like being in heaven. A knight in shining armor that could do no wrong and the world was your battleground and every victory cry could be heard around the world. But that’s where you went wrong.
The day my life turned for the worst was the same day you said you’d never hurt me. That same day you stood guard over me so my chain links of worry would fall to the ground and I could sleep at night knowing no hands would ever abuse, use, and assault me. You were gentle at first. Even when I jumped at the slightest touch and Id wake screaming from nightmares, you were there. And then one day, we argued. I turned away like a child turns away from the misty rain coming under the umbrella. But then lightning struck and you grabbed me. Not gentle like before. Harsh. Like an alligator grabs an antelope from the water. Your teeth marks left bruises. Your once calm hands left scars. Not only on my arm but on my heart. That was the first time. That’s where I went wrong.
Days became months and I never noticed the small things. How my time was really your time to use and to hold and to manipulate. How my words became silent over time even when my mind was screaming. Then I realized your addiction was killing me. How every rant session was caused by you. Those hours in the car…..were countless hours of you holding me there even when I desperately needed to go. The afternoon naps were solitary confinements in where you held me down even when I asked you not too. You were a pill I was forced to swallow because love was something that blinded me so much. The drink you were was a drink that made me so drunk I wished I was sober and could realize what was happening. The light to my cigarette was just another form of cancer that was slowly killing me from the inside out. When in reality, the heaven I thought I saw was the countless texts I would have to respond to because you’d get angry if I didn’t respond back. And your battle ground was my heart and my mind. Your victory cry was the anger in your voice looming over me. And somewhere something went wrong but somewhere we’d had been so far, I thought for once that maybe something would change.
My dreams became a trap door for a magician that would never use it. My life was put on hold while yours was spent galavanting around. Then when you moved away, you asked if I could throw my bachelors out the door and move away from everything I had ever known. And I considered. I thought long and hard. I thought about the long 5 years. When you asked my dad for my hand, I didn’t realize the malignant addiction had taken over. Everyone saw it but me. Then when you decided that I wasn’t worth it and made me think I was less than just the average girl, I blamed myself. I threw every punch at me until I was black and blue. I cried for hours. Tissue boxes and love letters surrounded me. I was trying to kick you like someone who was in a drug rehab trying to kick meth. Every piece of my heart was broken. Until I met someone new.
Thank you for showing me what love wasn’t. For showing me what the opposite of gentle was. Thank you for the bruises because they made me so much stronger. For the names and titles you gave me afterward, it made me realize that you were a monster inside that chunk of armor you claim to wear.
Because the way he looks at me now……is the way I begged and pleaded for God to make you look at me. Because he looks at me with love and passion while you stood above me or in front of me. And that’s where you went wrong.